Separation Anxiety

A focal change in my life.

A move.

A move towards breaking my barriers, a move towards experimentation, a move towards self-assurance.

I have been raised in conformity, I have been brought up to follow the law, to do well in school, to get a job, to have kids, to be appropriate, to be flexible and likable.

What happened to the rebellion I once had in my youth. Think back.

I know and want nonconformity. I know and want an alternative lifestyle. I want to be myself.

I want...

>>mind-altering<<

It is the root source of my jealousy - jealous of those that have no fear in being themselves.

<->->->->->->->->-<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<->->->->->->->

While I am on my own quest, I need to find comfort in the fact that my most closest friends are on the same quest and admire those that have taken that long journey.

<-<-<-<-<->->->->->->->->-<-<->-<->->->->->->->->-<->

It is strange to think that in a world of homogenization and a culture of individual suppresion, the counter-culture is equally competitive. Focus on the B A L A NC E and being G E N U I N E.

ENTER HERE

Whats next?

I will give myself some credit.

I have been doing extremely well with drinking my water, which has significantly made my skin clearer and has given me a boost of energy as well as kept my appetite under control.

I also have been running and trying to stay active - and although I did not run for about 2 weeks, I ran yesterday and forgot how much I enjoyed it. In fact, I can't wait to run again. Currently I'm just running hear and there when I can, but I'm hoping when I move to Richmond that my brother will help me get in shape, cardio, weight lifts and all.

The next two things I would like to work on is to decrease my intake of refined/processed carbohydrates - breads, biscuits, rice, grains, etc. HOWEVER, if I do choose to eat carbohydrates, they much be from WHOLE GRAINS. Every meal should ideally consist of a meat, vegetable, and one whole grain item.

I also have eaten fastfood about 5 times since January - Arbys 1, Taco Bell 1, Burger King 2, McDonalds 1 - and now I would once again like to continue to give up Fast Food. Maybe even give up French Fries c o m p l e t e l y - yikes, that sounds hard

Blind Melon - Skinned

I'll make a shoehorn outta your shin
I'll make a lampshade of durable skin
And oh, don't you know that I'm always feelin' able
When I'm sittin' home and I'm carving out your navel
im just a sittin' here carving out your navel

When will I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the kill be too much meat for me to hide on

Hey, I could really use a couple of hands
To complete one hell of a plant stand
Oh, and don't you know that I'm caught here in the middle
Making rib cages into coffee tables
I'm just makin' em into coffee tables
And when will I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the thrill be too much meat for me to find anymore

Oh, because you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in

Although I know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in

Good Names - so not to forget.

Nestles

Appreciation for the Dualities

How long will I allow myself to be unappreciated, not only by others but also by myself.

Of course there are traits of my personality and character that need catering and enlightenment; however, I truly have not given myself enough credit - which I believe has contributed greatly to my lack of self-confidence. My lack of self-condifence I attribute to others I love not appreciating what I do for them, my lack of sexuality, the grave disappointment I feel towards my job, and the loss of my temper. However, I can not forget that everyone has downfalls.

I admire those that have acheived some sense of a mental stability and poweress, those that are enlighened; however, these individuals might also lack drive and motivation to contribute to a community. (Is it possible that operating in the real world leads to mental instability?)

I need to focus on the fact that there is balance in every aspect of life - as they are called dualities. For every light there is a dark, for every pessimism there is optimism, dualities exist in EVERY person - and this is the order of life. Rather than strive for happiness by eliminating and suppressing our ego, why not find happiness by simply being conscious that our ego does and will exist and by accepting that the dualities of nature are inevitable. Ideas for "conscious living" would then focus on realizing and controlling the ego, rather than suppressing it.

Realize that I am not whole and complete.

I am almost certaint that there is not one person that is whole and complete, but rather that we are all one and it is through interaction among humanity that makes us complete.

And so returns the concepts of dualities - a grave pessimism followed by a grave optimism.

Litterature for the Head

To Read:
I Ching, Book of Changes
Being in Love: How to love with Awareness and Relate without Fear

Read:
State of Fear
Power of Now
East of Eden

Web Pages for Art

www.deviantart.com
http://lightninginabottle.org/art-gallery/gallery/
www.girlsdrawingirls.com

Wakarusa 2010

I have almost the same revelation everytime I return from a festival. Just when my mind is slipping from stability, I feel my attributes aren't worthy, my mentality and ideology are running astray and leading me down a path of wants and insecurities, the good vibrations of a festival fume through the atmosphere and remind me that I have been selling myself short and that I am fully capable of contributing to create a positive community.

<3 There's no place like home <3