While I have grown in so many ways, I have also fallen tremendously in the mind. Part of this project is to develop a sense of spirituality as before I began this journal I had little idea of what spirituality was and in particular the question of whether various hallucinogens are required to develop spirituality and to discover alternative methods to achieving mindfulness. While I have made little progress towards understanding the concept of spirituality, my virtues are at an all time low. While I in the past have considered myself a listener, thoughtful, tolerant and understanding, my temper as well as my ego have sky-rocketed. This entry's purpose is to allow myself to process key mental issues I have developed and are taking an extreme toll on my well-being mentally as well as any progress I might hope to achieve towards having a sense of spirituality.
1 - Temper: With some exceptions, I do feel that I am very forgiving and often overlook insignificant inconveniences in order to make my life as well as others around me simple. However, my problem lies within the way I react to other's tempers. I once had self control (that is control over my emotions) to tolerate other's moods and tempers; however, now my mind seems to feed into it and allow itself to be easily influenced by harsh tones and pettiness.
**Do not feed into negative mentalities; do not let yourself be influenced by them; hold your composure; solid mountain**
2 - Listening: I once thought of myself as a good listener. Frustration has completely washed that down the drain. While I feel I have heard the same things over and over and over again and the end always turns out the same...well, it doesn't matter. Everyone is entitled to speak their opinions and I must remember to be receptive to their thought process. This does not mean that I have to agree with them necessarily, but I at least owe it to others to allow them to express themselves - and me receive their emotions respectfully.
**Be respectful of other's emotions and opinions**
3 - Personal Attacks: I have slumped to their level; a tactic I never used but now use all too often. Who am I to judge? WHO AM I TO JUDGE? I have been judging way too much for my comfort and am completely ashamed of the things I have said. If disagreements arise, let them be.
**Do not bring other's down merely for the sake of pressing negativity on others.**
4 - Insecurities: have gotten way out of control. My insecurities in my physicality as well as my sexuality has been transposed on others, resulting in judgment and harsh remarks towards other women that are completely unwarranted. Again - WHO AM I TO JUDGE? Not to mention, I don't even know them. I merely express hatred towards sexy girls because I do not feel sexy myself. I am an extremely jealous person and express extreme negativity towards others that possess qualities that I wish I had. While I am working on becoming someone I am proud of...
**I can NOT transfer negative energy I have towards myself onto others.**
5 - Ego: What to even say about my ego! I still have no clue - once I thought it was never big enough and that my problem was that I had no self-confidence. Is that the ego, self-confidence? Or maybe I have a huge ego when I'm around people that I am close with - rather than working together with loved ones to grow, I find myself in competition. The Ego is certainly something that needs to be addressed further (see The Power of Now?)
**For now, be mindful of the ego. Competition only leads to darkness**
